Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
