If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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