theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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