I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
