I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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