I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
