Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
