The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
