I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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