I could have mohawked her pubes.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
