you guys were way drunker than both of me
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
