ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
