i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
