I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
