we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
