I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The uberlube is also flammable
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
