I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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