saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
