Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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