I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
