Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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