we're chasing vodka with high fives
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Floor bacon is actually really good
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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