So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
