MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
