I'm pants shitting drunk right now
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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