I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
