I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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