Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
