I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
