Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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