And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
