I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
