i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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