i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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