Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
