I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Houston, we have a squirter
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
