There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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