remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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