we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
