DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
this hospital has no fireball
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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