I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
