I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I deserve this hangover.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
