You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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