Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
