you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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