Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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