We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
