I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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