hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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