you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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