Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
