$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
