Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
