omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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