we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
