I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
