I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
